It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, and I regret that. It’s one of those things that I want to do, and then the longer I leave it, the guiltier I feel about neglecting it, and then I just avoid it. Head in the sand kind of situation.
I do the same with my journal. I get a reminder on my phone every day to log an entry in my journal. If I’ve missed a day, I think “ah, I’ll do it tomorrow.” If I’ve missed a week, I get a pang of anxious guilt in my gut and I feel awful. I get rid of the notification as soon as I can and then feel guilty for ten minutes that I’ve not written to, essentially, myself. No one else is relying on me writing in my journal except me. To be honest, even I’m not relying on it. Then the little number 1 stays red and glaring in the corner of the journal app which I use, a constant beacon of my laziness and failure. I hate it and I avoid looking at it, and if I see it I feel guilty again.
I get to the point, eventually, where I delete the app and then go for a few months without logging anything. I then regret it, download the app and start afresh, only for the whole cycle to begin once more.
I think it’s got to the point where I need to face facts; keeping a daily journal doesn’t work for me. I don’t need to log my thoughts on a daily basis, but I need to write when I need to write. Sometimes it is cathartic, because I don’t want to spill what’s in my head to anyone. It’s usually when I’m in a completely irrational rage about something, and once I’ve written it down, the anger subsides. Without needing to upset anyone. It works. So I’ve turned the notifications off. Now, like with my blog, when I want to write in it, I do. If I don’t , I don’t.
I’m happy with that.